Posts Tagged ‘Woes’

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Being Jabez Dawes

October 15, 2012

Okay, I’ll be honest about this:

In real life, my badass quotient runs somewhere akin to a cross between Ned Flanders and your average eighth-grade hall monitor.

(You know the one–that girl with no verifiable sense of humor yet possessing an ironically humorous overbite.  Not that I’m channeling any old middle school enemies or anything.)

Hell, I don’t even walk through doors marked “No Admittance”.

And, sadly, it’s not because my moral compass is actually calibrated in a permanent northwardly-pointing orientation.

Doing bad things just makes me feel . . . well . .. guilty.  Getting caught feels like hellfire and boiled turnips for lunch.  And if you *really* want to destroy me, you let people know I was caught being bad.

Yeah. Your psychological indexing utility read that right.  I’m not an evil genius because I there’s no way I could handle the press coverage.

Sad, isn’t it?  I was preemptively brung low by the PR department.  That’s like being out-dorked by the high school varsity cheerleading squad.

That being said, I have a dangling-sleeve-to-gas-burning-stove fascination with spies, thieves, confidence men, and rogues of every stripe.

(Especially red stripes on a grey x-wing base, y’know what I’m sayin’?  Go Rogue!  Go Star Wars!  Up with the Geeks! Down with the Jeedai!  Pilots Save The Wo  . . . Ahem.)

And it’s LifeHacker’s Evil Week, and I’m trying to figure out a why for adding “lock pick set” to my Christmas list.

You have to admit. . . I would be the most unlikely spy in the world.

Hey!  Hold on a second!  I DO brush my teeth side-to-side!

Yeah . . . . that’s right.  An outlaw, forever isolated from society.  Existing on the fringes.  Getting nicknames like “Razor” or “Mad Dog”.

Hide your chi’ren and alert the lawman. Here comes trouble.

Yeah . . . .

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What I Did On My Summer Vacation

April 9, 2012

I was never one to listen to teachers’ complaints about summer vacation, or rather, the information students lost over said vacation.  In school I either knew it and remembered it, or didn’t.  There never seemed to be a lot of slippage.

Today, though, I’ve turned on my computer after a three-day weekend where I actually *didn’t* work, for once, and I have jack-all idea of what’s going on.  The notes I made on my Friday morning conference call are completely indecipherable, and I’m pretty sure my Outlook is missing a bunch of emails I sent out, but I can’t definitively remember which ones.  The only reason I *am* pretty sure they’re missing is the deep sense of  “I finished every bloody thing Thursday night” satisfaction I felt all weekend.

Conference call in seven minutes!  This should be full of blank stares and confused stammers!

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Hearts and Flowers and Fuzzy Bunnybees

February 17, 2012

Ahhhh, Saturday. . .

Another day, another opportunity to pencil “Oral Surgery” in on my calendar.

For someone who lives in mortal dread of dentists, I’m on first-name basis with an alarming number of them lately.

Luckily, my frequently-overwrought coping skills have risen to the challenge, and decided that these little. . . interludes. . . are nothing more than montage sequences from the inevitable biopic of my life.

I’m quite convinced that the payoff will involve me turning into a superhero in the third act.

Like this.

Like this.

Or maybe a Jedi.

Yeah, probably a Jedi.

Yeah, probably a Jedi.

In the meantime, there’s a pool going to see how many times I will say to my roommate Saturday*:

“Doctor’s orders. Been sewn up onna face, sir.”

I will probably also attempt to convince her of my awesome mutant powers, and that I should definitely be allowed to go to the party Saturday night.  Only one of these things will be a good idea.

 

Woo!

*Sadly, my roommate does not read Pratchett. Luckily for her, though, me on drugs is ALWAYS hi-larious.

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Suggested Title: Princess of Quite-a-Lot

February 8, 2012

I was thrilled yesterday when my department head was asked to generate some ideas about creating a greater presence in the social media space.

I have a lot of ideas, and immediately offered him a few of them that were off the top of my head.

He asked me to put them together into a format he could present in the meeting, which I happily did last night.

I ran the presentation by a few sources, just to make sure it was clear and made sense, and sent it over to him.

Got my feedback this morning.

“I don’t understand this. I thought you were just talking about putting movie clothes in Facebook games. I can’t show this to people.”

I’m not devastated. . .

Well, okay, I am, because I handle rejection the way a vampire gets a sun tan, but what’s really frustrating me is that I thought I’d made it SO CLEAR. I’d pared it way, way down to some very basic initiatives and used lots of examples where similar ideas had been successful in the past. And I spent something like six hours working on it.

I know my boss isn’t the world’s most savvy guy in this field, and I’d tailored it to him. And he didn’t get it.

And he didn’t think he could present it to the other departments.

Most of the sting is because he didn’t understand what I was saying. And it was my first attempt to pitch my ideas in a corporate environment, so 1000% immediate success was an unlikely result anyway (but man, wouldn’t it have been nice!) . . .

Oh, well. I’ll draft my proposal to put movie clothes in Facebook games, and we’ll go from there, and at least I’ll have this presentation to tuck into my portfolio.

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Mad Mad Mad Mad Madam Mim

November 9, 2011

I’m doing the duty of every good citizen in a free society and serving a jury summons.

They have asked me to sit in one room all day and not talk.

This is a pretty close approximation of what I’m feeling.

 

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A Disturbance in the Force

October 13, 2011

 

Dear Universe,

Someone appears to have stolen all of my pens.  Could you ask them to return them forthwith?

I had at least ONE when I went to bed last night, and I’m getting tired of making all my notes in a blank email.

Love and kisses,

Ali

(One can’t help but feel this should not be a problem one experiences when one works alone in one’s home.)

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No, Ali–A goes *before* B

December 11, 2010

I survived another interval (you would not belive how long it just took me to decide on a noun for the time between three and five pm today) at the dentist.

Confetti? Anyone?