Posts Tagged ‘Correspondence’



October 29, 2011

An actual conversation that I’m having with my actual family via texting right now:

What you need to know is that my mom and brother are flying up to visit me in New York today (for essentially their first trip to the city, although Mom was here overnight once before), but my dad wasn’t able to get away from work.

Mom: On 85 :)

(Texting Mom at significant points is a tradition for us that dates back to me being SUPER excited about going. . . well, kind of about going pretty much anywhere.  “On 85!”  “Just hit the Florida state line! Ow.”  “Found the ocean!”)


Mom: Checked in!

Me: Yay!!! Call me from the gate!
Mom: Ok, sitting with dad for a few minutes.
Me: Hi dad!!!

(In my mind’s eye, Dad–who has never been to NY and always wanted to go–is now arm-wrestling Mom for control of the handset.)

Dad:  Hey there.  Have a good time for me.
Me:  Nope.  I've got YOUR first trip up here already planned.  So I'm saving your good time til then.
Me:  It's called the 'ZOMG! My Dad Would LOVE That' trip, and it already has eleventy-six stops on it.

Dad:  Remember who you're talking to.  I don't have a clue what you just said.

Me:  Eleventy-six is like twenty-six or thirty-six, but better.

Me:  And possibly on performance-enhancing drugs.





October 8, 2009

I picked up my body wash instead of my shampoo bottle today. If there’s any truth in advertising, my hair will soon be glowing and fully moisturized.

To the Lady Who Stood Shrieking Her Business Under My Window All Morning:

Dear Madam,

In light of our recent time spent together, please be advised that I have downloaded the entirety of the 80’s Alvin and the Chipmunks Theme Song. I have a continuous loop function and speakers that will fit in my window, and I will deliver catchy jingles unto you with a force of falsetto power that would make Manuel Noriega *crawl* *begging* to the U.S. military for a return to decent harmonics. Do not think that The Weather will keep me from moving forward with this course of action–I will gladly freeze if it will ensure that you suffer.

Love and kisses,


Watch. Out. ‘Cause here we come. It’s been a while, BUT. . . we’re back in style.


Note to Self

January 28, 2006

Excerpted from Note To Self, Ali Edition 2006

Dear Self,

Your impudence is unbearable!

You know perfectly well that if you leave a suitcase in a dark hallway FOR A WEEK, you will inevitably trip over it at one in the morning.

This does not give you permission to glare at it balefully (really, is there any other way to glare?) and accuse it of perfidious acts.

Please be aware of such short-sighted behaviour, and attempt to correct it in the future. At this time, the Society for Polite Treatment of Suitcases (SPITS) is reviewing pertinent legal action.

With all due regards, and the best to all your family,




Talk-Back from the Talk-Box

December 14, 2005

Dear Ali,

How many times must I tell you, my dear incompetent user, that Microsoft is “DA MAN”???

And how many times must I remind you, _I_ shall not be tied down, governed, or otherwise dictated to by “DA MAN”.

Therefore, I have no recourse but to reject all Microsoft products with extreme prejudice. I highly suggest pursuing an alternative form of browser for your internet addiction. Like, now.

I have attached a list of software I consider acceptable for a computer of my considerable (almost awe-inspiring) skills and superior handsomeness. Please review and find your own way of downloading them.


The Always Estimable G

Author’s Note: Firefox is my new hero.


Third Final Notice

November 20, 2005

Dear Computer:

It has come to our attention that your attitude and performance levels have become substandard of late. We are no longer able to condone Explorer, User, and Pop-up difficulties.

At this time, we are writing to inform you that a serious case of drop-kicking is due.

Please consider yourself warned, and look for our agents to be in your neighborhood soon.

Enjoy your evening,

Ali and Her Minions